Idiot of the Day

The Future Is Here.

2008-06-13T20:14:00.002-04:00

The British Army launches Skynet satellite to enhance military communication.

Has Arnold taught us nothing? Has James Cameron's hard work been for naught? They were trying to warn us, people, but we ignored them. Much like the crazy guy down the street who talks to himself, they are the unappreciated prophets of our time.

Prepare for the creepy robots with the glowing eyes. Skynet is upon us.

Love, Midieval style

2008-06-11T14:53:00.007-04:00

Apparently, surgeries to restore a woman's hymen are on the rise in Europe.

Apparently, surgeries to reconstruct a woman's hyman are becoming more and more common in Europe, especially in the Muslim communities where virginity is highly valued.

“If you’re a Muslim woman growing up in more open societies in Europe, you can easily end up having sex before marriage,” said Dr. Hicham Mouallem, who is based in London and performs the operation. “So if you’re looking to marry a Muslim and don’t want to have problems, you’ll try to recapture your virginity.”

I'm not against this. No, I just think we should have it go both ways. After all, there's no way for me to know if my future husband is a virgin, and quite frankly, I don't want some tarnished man trollop frolicking in my marital bed.

So here's what I'm proposing: a surgical male hyman. We can even give it a catchy name to make it more appealing, like He-man Hyman Surgery. I don't know the specifics of how it would work, because I'm a blogger and assistant, not a doctor, but I'm working on some preliminary sketches. I'd post them, but I don't want to risk voiding any patent rights I might have to it.

Not everyone would have to submit themselves to it, but if your wife's virginity means enough to you that you'd do the old blood on the sheets trick, it's only fair really that you offer her the same consideration.

Plus, you're probably going to be fumbling with her bra that first time and last all of a minute and a half - don't you, at the very least, want the excuse that it's your first time?

She knows several ways to blow a million dollars

2008-03-19T15:23:00.003-04:00

Ashley Dupre, the prostitute from the Eliot Spitzer scandal, recently lost a $1 million contract with "Girls Gone Wild" when seven videos featuring Dupre were uncovered.

Not one. Seven.

The girl filmed seven "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

Joe Francis bought a bus ticket home for her.

But let's just focus on the fact that she filmed seven videos, over the course of a week.

She spent a week on the "Girls Gone Wild" bus. The girl is lucky she didn't pick up a drug-resistant staph infection or something.

President Bush, he's our hero, bringing pollution down to about 40%!

2008-03-14T14:23:00.006-04:00

The Bush Administration is in favor of less stringent smog standards.

The EPA announced on Wednesday that they were "reducing the allowable concentrations of ozone in the air from 80 parts per billion to 75 parts per billion," according to CNN. They also had a secondary

The disagreement concerned the secondary set of standards issued by the EPA regarding the amount of protection from smog given to wildlife, farmlands and parks.

According to Tony Fratto, White House deputy (to the) press secretary, "this is not a weakening of regs (regulations) or standards [...] But it was an effort to make the standards consistent."

Weakening pollution standards for wildlife and farmland? Seriously? I could understand (maybe) if they were making smog regulations less stringent in cities. But in parks? Are they trying to be the bad guys in an episode of Captain Planet?

It's no "I Killed Kenny"

2008-03-13T18:51:00.008-04:00

Client 9 T-Shirts Hit the Web.

Much has been said in the past few days about Elliot Spitzer. Llate night hosts haven't been this happy to have new material since Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face.

But it wasn't truely a political scandal. It's not a true political scandal until the ironic novelty t-shirts start hitting the Cafe presses.

Now, this is just a hunch, but I'm guessing this is supposed to be funny because it's implying that the wearer of the shirt is actually Client #9, and therefore enjoys frequenting expensive escort services.

Personally, I'm a fan of the less subtle "I have to pay for sex!"

Forgive them, Cole Porter

2005-05-24T23:35:00.002-04:00

If you felt the earth move today, don't worry. It wasn't an earthquake - just Cole Porter spinning like a pinwheel in his grave.

The unlikely pairing of Carl's Jr. and Paris Hilton has resulted in one of the most disturbing commercials ever to air.

I don't know much about marketing, but if you're advertising a food product, don't you want to avoid making the viewer nauseous? Yes, some might find it sexually appealing - I presume that this was the intended effect (because, really, who doesn't associate a quarter pound of low-grade beef with sex?).

But really, after the initial shock of "Paris wearing ... more than usual" fades away, what is the audience left with? A somewhat attractive blonde molesting a car? The first time since November that Paris has eaten?

Of course, it is a rather effective commercial - after all, I've just linked to it (although I'll be lucky if anyone ever reads this). So yes, this blog is only a pawn in Carl's Jr.'s attempt at viral advertising.

It won't, however, convince me to buy their burger. Why? Because I will forever associate it with Paris Hilton's mouth, and my mother taught me well: if you don't know where it's been, don't touch it.

Who knew penguins were this interesting?

2005-05-09T20:02:00.001-04:00

The San Francisco Zoo recently had a chlamydia outbreak among the penguins.

Although zoo officials claim the disease probably came from a seagull carrying the infection, others are beginning to believe otherwise.

In recent months, the zoo has seen an increase in the penguins' use of pom-poms and choreographed dance moves. It is believed that the overtly sexual nature of their cheers may have lead to an increase in sexual activity among the penguins.

There is no word yet on the zoo's next moves, but sources suggest that there may be an attempt to ban cheers that the zookeepers find "too sexual."

Give me an H! Give me an E!

2005-05-04T17:06:00.001-04:00

The Texas House of Representatives protects us from unnecessary acts of peppiness.

The Texas House has banned "overtly sexually suggestive" cheers in an attempt to curb teen pregnancy and the spread of STDs. Done with our best interests in mind, of course. Because, as we all know, it's a slippery slope. First we let them shimmy on the basketball court, next thing you know they'll corrupt all the menfolk and put impure thoughts in their heads and lust in their hearts.

I have to believe that there are better ways to prevent teen pregnancy and STDs. Surely there's a device that protects the wearer from spreading or contracting an STD, while simultaneously - yes, at the very same time - keeping that hussy cheerleader from getting pregnant.

Or we could just pass more legislation that is effectively impotent. Either work, really.

It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

2005-03-29T00:24:00.001-05:00

Come visit beautiful Turkey, the world's largets producer of figs, apricots, and hard shell nuts.* The inspiration for the Turkish bath, the home of Istanbul (not Constantinople), the land where Mein Kampf is one of the 10 best-sellers in the country.

But not to worry. Turkey's got it all under control. After all, what better way is there to deal with a rising tide of hatred and racism than through denial?

"'We have never had such an attitude in our culture, nor in our history, and we do not have it now ... It's not possible for people to choose their races ... Turkish society's idea about this issue is clear. There is no racism in this country,'" said a government spokesperson for Turkey.**

To Turkey's credit, it's true that they've treated the Jews and Israel significantly better than much of the world. But what good they've done really isn't the stuff that jokes are made of. So we'll just ignore it.

Instead, we'll take comfort in what political analysts have told Reuters.

"Political analysts say "Mein Kampf" probably reflects rising nationalism and anti-American sentiment rather than anti-Semitism or specific support for Hitler and his ideas," reads the Reuters article.

So don't worry. It's not Jews they hate. Just Americans.

And it's not like Mein Kampf was their best seller or anything. It was only in the top 10.

No, the #1 best seller was a book about the US invading Turkey and the heroic actions of one man who, in response, sets off a nuclear device in Washington.

I sure feel better now. Don't you?

*Information from Tourismturkey.org.
**quote from Yahoo! article

It ain't me, babe.

2005-03-27T23:54:00.001-05:00

Or maybe it is.

Bob Dylan's authorized biopic will show us that not only are the times a-changing, but so is his gender.

Best known as the voice of the 60s or as the most terrifyingly craggy rock star this side of Keith Richards, Dylan's biopic will follow the singer through his 40-year career. Unlike most biopics, this film will reveal a portion of Dylan's life that was, until now, shrouded in mystery.

Specifically, the period when he underwent a sex change operation and emerged looking like the woman who brought "bootylicious" into the vernacular.

Granted, the notion that Dylan had some degree of "inner blackness" (whatever that means, exactly) isn't totally unfounded. His music was absolutely influenced by the black artists who came before him, as much of rock music has been.

But I don't think they've expanded on it enough. Sure, they're showing his "inner blackness." But think about all the other aspects of Dylan that they're potentially leaving out:

What about his "inner Jewishness?" Born Robert Zimmerman, Dylan has been wandering in and out of the tribe of Israel through his career. So why not show that side of him too, by casting Woody Allen as Dylan's inner Jew?

Or his "inner Asianness?" Dylan was well known for his love of Kung Pao chicken, even going so far as to cancel a concert because his repeated demands for an endless supply of Kung Pao chicken were not met. To represent this side of him most accurately, may I suggest Jackie Chan?

It could be interesting. It could be entertaining.

But it also could be featuring Beyonce, and the idea that Beyonce may be the best choice for the role is just unfathomable.

Was it her star turn as Foxy Brown that convinced the director that she was right for the part? Or did it take more - say, her role as Lilly in The Fighting Temptations?

And that thought alone makes my head hurt - a sure sign that it's "Idiot of the Day" material.

It's almost too easy.

2005-03-25T20:42:00.001-05:00

Wendy's considers changing their chili recipe due to negative responses.

Thinking up that first line was shockingly difficult. Not because it was so unfathomable - after all, it's fast food chili - but because the jokes are just too easy. Which pun do you go with? Wendy's chili is finger-licking good? Something tastes funny, but I just can't put my finger on it?

Either way, you might want to avoid the chili from now on. At a San Jose Wendy's, one man learned the hard way that Wendy's "special recipe" is a bit too special.

Ben Gale from the Santa Clarita County department of environmental health told reporters that "Officials are trying to determine if the finger came in the raw materials Wendy's used to prepare the chili."

So, exactly which scenario is worse? That it arrived at the Wendy's and no one noticed it, or that someone lost it at the restaurant but no one thought to look for it?

What would've happened back in the kitchen? "Hey, Joe, didn't you have 10 fingers?" "Yeah, but it'll turn up."

But then again, maybe we're covering this all wrong. Maybe this wasn't fast food gone wrong, but Wendy's answer to the Happy Meal. Sure, at McDonald's you might get a little car or some other useless toy. But at Wendy's, you get spare parts.

*Quote from Yahoo! article, not an exact quote from Ben Gale.

Not only do celebrities die in sets of three ...

2005-03-08T00:18:00.001-05:00

they break up in sets of three, too.

It all began with the first quake to the foundation of the celebrity marriage: the separation of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Millions mourned the loss of potential that their union offered: with their genes combined, they could have created the most beautiful human ever.

And now, just as the rest of the world world was recovering from the shock of their separation, these three young couples announced that they were breaking up, shattering our world in the process.

Or the news was met with a generally ambivalence. Did anyone even know Shannon Elizabeth was married? And, more importantly, did anyone care?

Evidently, the papers expect us to care. US Weekly shouts about the custody battles that will ensue over children and pets. People offers us the true story of the downfall of the Holmes-Klein romance. And even World Weekly News is offering up the true story of the Holmes-Klein romance: aliens impregnated Chris Klein with Michael Jackson's child.

So who, in this mess, is the Idiot of the Day? The jury's still out. It could be the celebrities who are turning divorce proceedings into a Lifetime movie deal. Or it could be the papers for running the play-by-plays of their failing relationships. Or, of course, it could also be us, for bothering to acknowledge them in the first place.

But let's just stick with blaming everyone else, shall we?

Drinking isn't a problem, it's a solution

2005-03-03T23:12:00.002-05:00

When asked what he'd want with him if he was stranded on a desert island, Mayor Oscar Goodman of Las Vegas gave the first honest answer to that question ever.

He'd want a bottle of gin.

Unfortunately, the question was asked by a 4th grader.

"'I answered the question honestly and truthfully,' Goodman told reporters. 'I’m not going to lie to children. I’m not going to say I would take a teddy bear or a Bible or something like that.'"

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why politicians have to lie so much.

As it turns out, they're just as dumb as the rest of us.

When you really think about it though, what good is a teddy bear or a Bible? You can't get drunk off of them, I can tell you that much.

And, in all fairness, if you were stranded on a desert island, you'd probably want to be hammered, too.

quote from the linked MSNBC.com article

They're tiny, they're toony, they're going to hunt you down

2005-03-02T15:27:00.001-05:00

Warner Brothers' animation division has announced that they will be releasing a new cartoon show based on the classic Loony Toons.

Only this time, Elmer won't be hunting wabbits. Instead, it appears that Bugs plans on killing Elmer in his sleep.

Behold the evil, souless eyes of the gang now known as the "Loonatics." Set 700 years in the future, the toons (Buzz, Duck, Spaz, Roadstop, Slick, and Lexi) no longer cross-dress and fight over what hunting season it is.

No, instead they have superpowers.

And, judging from the fact that Buzz bears a striking resemblance to the rabbit from Donnie Darko, they also plan on killing you in your sleep.

According to Sander Schwartz, the president of Warner Brothers animation, kids will find the character of Buzz "very relatable and very relevant."

I couldn't agree more - I remember, back when I was a kid, how I'd watch TV and think, "This talking rabbit is pretty cool, but I don't feel that I relate to him. If only he had superpowers and no pupils."

So thank you, Sander Schwartz and the people at Warner Brothers, for finally putting someone on TV that I can relate to.

... Ok, now that you've been given the credit you deserve, can the Loonatics go away now? Their fangs and claws are starting to scare me.

Images, quotes and article all from msnbc.com

How could I forget?

2005-02-28T14:00:00.002-05:00

A very special award goes to Sean Penn for selling his sense of humor in exchange for either that haircut or a relationship with Madonna. The jury's still out on that one.

But don't worry, Sean. I'm sure that when Chris said "wait for a star," he was thinking of you.

(and Chris, you're a close runner up - seriously, man, would it have killed you to talk about the movies that were nominated?)

Jesus v. Jerry

2005-02-28T13:07:00.001-05:00

Broadway will be denied one of the few original musicals now that the Christian Voice has gone Godfather on the show.

Despite being a hit in England, the UK's Christian Voice has protested the play, especially since it was run last month on the BBC in full (man, British TV is so much more interesting than ours).

"This is a blasphemous and a filth-filled production," says Stephen Green, national director of Christian Voice (quote from article).

Now it is up to the Christian Voice to save us from ourselves. They've even gone so far as to protect a Scottish cancer center's integrity by pressuring them into not taking donations from the play's profits.

According to the CNN article, "Green said his group helped the charity avoid a 'potential public relations disaster of profiting from filth and blasphemy.'"

Something tells me that the Christian Voice knows a thing or two about public relations distasters.

a note: while yes, I've now listed two groups who have lobbied for things to be stopped or shut down, it's not a question of a political agenda that I have so much as an agenda of "Dear god, don't they have something better to protest?"

A very special Idiot of the Day

2005-02-27T19:42:00.001-05:00

There's no link today. There's no article.

The idiot of the day is - drumroll, please ... Kathy Griffin.

Congratulations, Kathy, for working the red carpet at the Oscars. And by "working the red carpet" I mean being confined to the tower where you cannot have any contact with the other actors and instead have to stand there doing stupid bits where you speak with the imaginary voices that are coming through your cell phone.

Ah yes. When in doubt, play off of your natural insanity.

I'm sure you're a very nice woman, and I'm sure that you intend to be funny. Unfortunately, you are the anti-funny. You are the black hole of funny. You make me look like Richard Pryor, in the scheme of humor.

And it is, for this reason, that I give you the very special honor of the Oscar Pre-Show Idiot of the Day.

Don't worry. I'm sure someone will replace you tomorrow with their acceptance speech. Possibly. Maybe.

Hey, it could happen.

Just like momma used to make

2005-02-25T16:14:00.001-05:00

In keeping with the great tradition of edible jokes, now on the market is Trolli Gummy Roadkill, a delicious blend of fur, flavoring and gelatin.

Unfortunately, not everyone is a fan.

The New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals feels that these candies don't encourage cavities so much as the torture of furry creatures.

"It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft," said society spokesman Matthew Stanton (quote from the article).

This is not the first time, however, that a candy company has been attacked for the messages they've sent to children. In recent years, gummy bears have come under fire due to the fact that their candy tells children that it's okay to bite off the heads of bears and stick them on other bears' bodies. And currently a human rights group is boycotting Sourpatch Kids because they encourage cannibalism.

Update: NJSPCA wins, roadkill no longer put to good use.

In a first ever, there is a joint idiot of the day: both the NJSPCA and Kraft have earned it with their combined efforts. Congratulations to both.

Baby got ... jeans?

2004-11-12T19:31:00.001-05:00

The fashion industry acknowledges Sir Mix-a-Lot's prophetic words

After years of watching Kate Moss strut down the runway and mannequins wearing a size 0, clothing companies are finally trying to cut their clothes for women who enjoy eating.

So why does the fashion industry, despite their good intentions, get the title of "Idiot(s) of the Day?"

It's taken them 30 years, since the dawn of Twiggy, and only now they're realizing that women have hips.

And what they have yet to realize is that having a big ass isn't a fashion statement - it's a way of life.

You've been a very, very bad employer.

2004-11-10T03:26:00.001-05:00

Employee Spanking Inferno

Paul Eugene Levengood, owner of Tasty Flavors Sno Biz, seems to have taken the movie Secretary a bit too seriously. Sexual assault charges have been filed against him after two female employees claimed that he spanked them as punishment for mistakes made at work.

When they first began work at Tasty Flavors Sno Biz, at least one of the women was forced to sign a statement that read: "I give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit."

And oh, how I wish that was my punchline for this post. Unfortunately, it's not. That's actually what one of the women had to sign.

If Mr. Levengood is found guilty, I wonder what his punishment will be?

Trick or Crack Treat

2004-11-09T16:41:00.001-05:00

Nose Candy?

On Friday, a first grader in Orlando, Florida brought $1,000 worth of crack to class. Her mother claimed that the child must have gotten it while trick or treating. A perfectly logical explanation - who didn't have that one neighbor who gave out "fun size" needles of heroin?

The girl has since been suspended from school. Evidently, she didn't share well.

Pre-emptive strikes

2004-11-05T16:58:00.001-05:00

The National Guard Fights Terrorism On the Monkey Bars

Wednesday night, an F-16 pilot fired off 25 rounds of ammo at the Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School. The pilot's mission was to fire at a target range about 3.5 miles away, but instead mistook the school for the firing range.

Which begs the question, what exactly does this training ground look like?

Saving lions from damnation

2004-11-04T01:57:00.001-05:00

Man Jumps into Lion Den.

Despite one man's best efforts, you will not be greeted by the Taipei Zoo lions when you reach the pearly gates.

Obviously, someone misunderstood the story of Daniel in the lion's den. Unlike Daniel, the man attempted to convert the lions by jumping into the lion's den and promising salvation. He then switched tactics, opting instead for reverse psychology by saying "Come bite me."

Congratulations. You may not have saved their souls, but you did win the first ever "Idiot of the Day" award.