Forgive them, Cole Porter

If you felt the earth move today, don't worry. It wasn't an earthquake - just Cole Porter spinning like a pinwheel in his grave.

The unlikely pairing of Carl's Jr. and Paris Hilton has resulted in one of the most disturbing commercials ever to air.

I don't know much about marketing, but if you're advertising a food product, don't you want to avoid making the viewer nauseous? Yes, some might find it sexually appealing - I presume that this was the intended effect (because, really, who doesn't associate a quarter pound of low-grade beef with sex?).

But really, after the initial shock of "Paris wearing ... more than usual" fades away, what is the audience left with? A somewhat attractive blonde molesting a car? The first time since November that Paris has eaten?

Of course, it is a rather effective commercial - after all, I've just linked to it (although I'll be lucky if anyone ever reads this). So yes, this blog is only a pawn in Carl's Jr.'s attempt at viral advertising.

It won't, however, convince me to buy their burger. Why? Because I will forever associate it with Paris Hilton's mouth, and my mother taught me well: if you don't know where it's been, don't touch it.

Who knew penguins were this interesting?

The San Francisco Zoo recently had a chlamydia outbreak among the penguins.

Although zoo officials claim the disease probably came from a seagull carrying the infection, others are beginning to believe otherwise.

In recent months, the zoo has seen an increase in the penguins' use of pom-poms and choreographed dance moves. It is believed that the overtly sexual nature of their cheers may have lead to an increase in sexual activity among the penguins.

There is no word yet on the zoo's next moves, but sources suggest that there may be an attempt to ban cheers that the zookeepers find "too sexual."

Give me an H! Give me an E!

The Texas House of Representatives protects us from unnecessary acts of peppiness.

The Texas House has banned "overtly sexually suggestive" cheers in an attempt to curb teen pregnancy and the spread of STDs. Done with our best interests in mind, of course. Because, as we all know, it's a slippery slope. First we let them shimmy on the basketball court, next thing you know they'll corrupt all the menfolk and put impure thoughts in their heads and lust in their hearts.

I have to believe that there are better ways to prevent teen pregnancy and STDs. Surely there's a device that protects the wearer from spreading or contracting an STD, while simultaneously - yes, at the very same time - keeping that hussy cheerleader from getting pregnant.

Or we could just pass more legislation that is effectively impotent. Either work, really.