The Future Is Here.

The British Army launches Skynet satellite to enhance military communication.

Has Arnold taught us nothing? Has James Cameron's hard work been for naught? They were trying to warn us, people, but we ignored them. Much like the crazy guy down the street who talks to himself, they are the unappreciated prophets of our time.

Prepare for the creepy robots with the glowing eyes. Skynet is upon us.

Love, Midieval style

Apparently, surgeries to restore a woman's hymen are on the rise in Europe.

Apparently, surgeries to reconstruct a woman's hyman are becoming more and more common in Europe, especially in the Muslim communities where virginity is highly valued.

“If you’re a Muslim woman growing up in more open societies in Europe, you can easily end up having sex before marriage,” said Dr. Hicham Mouallem, who is based in London and performs the operation. “So if you’re looking to marry a Muslim and don’t want to have problems, you’ll try to recapture your virginity.”

I'm not against this. No, I just think we should have it go both ways. After all, there's no way for me to know if my future husband is a virgin, and quite frankly, I don't want some tarnished man trollop frolicking in my marital bed.

So here's what I'm proposing: a surgical male hyman. We can even give it a catchy name to make it more appealing, like He-man Hyman Surgery. I don't know the specifics of how it would work, because I'm a blogger and assistant, not a doctor, but I'm working on some preliminary sketches. I'd post them, but I don't want to risk voiding any patent rights I might have to it.

Not everyone would have to submit themselves to it, but if your wife's virginity means enough to you that you'd do the old blood on the sheets trick, it's only fair really that you offer her the same consideration.

Plus, you're probably going to be fumbling with her bra that first time and last all of a minute and a half - don't you, at the very least, want the excuse that it's your first time?

She knows several ways to blow a million dollars

Ashley Dupre, the prostitute from the Eliot Spitzer scandal, recently lost a $1 million contract with "Girls Gone Wild" when seven videos featuring Dupre were uncovered.

Not one. Seven.

The girl filmed seven "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

Joe Francis bought a bus ticket home for her.

But let's just focus on the fact that she filmed seven videos, over the course of a week.

She spent a week on the "Girls Gone Wild" bus. The girl is lucky she didn't pick up a drug-resistant staph infection or something.

President Bush, he's our hero, bringing pollution down to about 40%!

The Bush Administration is in favor of less stringent smog standards.

The EPA announced on Wednesday that they were "reducing the allowable concentrations of ozone in the air from 80 parts per billion to 75 parts per billion," according to CNN. They also had a secondary

The disagreement concerned the secondary set of standards issued by the EPA regarding the amount of protection from smog given to wildlife, farmlands and parks.

According to Tony Fratto, White House deputy (to the) press secretary, "this is not a weakening of regs (regulations) or standards [...] But it was an effort to make the standards consistent."

Weakening pollution standards for wildlife and farmland? Seriously? I could understand (maybe) if they were making smog regulations less stringent in cities. But in parks? Are they trying to be the bad guys in an episode of Captain Planet?

It's no "I Killed Kenny"

Client 9 T-Shirts Hit the Web.

Much has been said in the past few days about Elliot Spitzer. Llate night hosts haven't been this happy to have new material since Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face.

But it wasn't truely a political scandal. It's not a true political scandal until the ironic novelty t-shirts start hitting the Cafe presses.

Now, this is just a hunch, but I'm guessing this is supposed to be funny because it's implying that the wearer of the shirt is actually Client #9, and therefore enjoys frequenting expensive escort services.

Personally, I'm a fan of the less subtle "I have to pay for sex!"

Forgive them, Cole Porter

If you felt the earth move today, don't worry. It wasn't an earthquake - just Cole Porter spinning like a pinwheel in his grave.

The unlikely pairing of Carl's Jr. and Paris Hilton has resulted in one of the most disturbing commercials ever to air.

I don't know much about marketing, but if you're advertising a food product, don't you want to avoid making the viewer nauseous? Yes, some might find it sexually appealing - I presume that this was the intended effect (because, really, who doesn't associate a quarter pound of low-grade beef with sex?).

But really, after the initial shock of "Paris wearing ... more than usual" fades away, what is the audience left with? A somewhat attractive blonde molesting a car? The first time since November that Paris has eaten?

Of course, it is a rather effective commercial - after all, I've just linked to it (although I'll be lucky if anyone ever reads this). So yes, this blog is only a pawn in Carl's Jr.'s attempt at viral advertising.

It won't, however, convince me to buy their burger. Why? Because I will forever associate it with Paris Hilton's mouth, and my mother taught me well: if you don't know where it's been, don't touch it.

Who knew penguins were this interesting?

The San Francisco Zoo recently had a chlamydia outbreak among the penguins.

Although zoo officials claim the disease probably came from a seagull carrying the infection, others are beginning to believe otherwise.

In recent months, the zoo has seen an increase in the penguins' use of pom-poms and choreographed dance moves. It is believed that the overtly sexual nature of their cheers may have lead to an increase in sexual activity among the penguins.

There is no word yet on the zoo's next moves, but sources suggest that there may be an attempt to ban cheers that the zookeepers find "too sexual."